So. 2014.

2014 started out as a fantastic year! I found out that I was pregnant Christmas of 2013 and the entire family especially my man was ecstatic. The second he found out that we are expecting, he'd dashed out and bought me pre-natal vitamins, milk powder and had even started looking up strollers!

Sadly, the little one didn't make it.

Towards our third check up, our world fell apart the moment the doctor told us he could not see any growth happening. How could it be??? It was 11 weeks, my tummy was growing, there was heartbeat when we checked the last!!!

I can still remember that evening clearly. In denial at first, I was tearing, and close to bursting in tears while the doctor sat down with us inevitably and helplessly explaining to us why this could have happened. 

OK so it wasn't any of our fault, and it is pretty common for miscarriages to happen during first trimesters. But the news still broke our hearts to billion pieces. What do we tell our families? With all the excitement that is going around the house, it's going to be tough. I held strong until we finally stepped out of the clinic. I fell apart and started bawling my eyes out. We stood next to the clinic entrance for what seemed like an eternity, hugged and cried our hearts out (well, me mostly) while the man stood guard of my well being. He was clearly devastated, but remained the strong one to keep me from further falling apart. 

Today marks the fourth month after our survival with the heart breaking episode. I still think about the scenarios of having everything worked out well. I would most probably be entering the third trimester now and the anticipation would have built up with much preparation in place. The man would have received a little bundle of joy right on his birthday in September. And as Alisa Warren puts it in her article, it is still right there at the back of my throat everyday. 

To be honest, it is still a tough job having to look at all of the friends and families who've just had babies, or are currently expecting. Looking at them reminds me of my own 'failure'. It is nevertheless a process that toughens your will and spirit in trying again.

I guess God has a better plan for us. Perhaps it is really true that we were not as ready as we thought we'd be. We will probably know when we are ready. Soon. Hopefully.

Rock steady x